What fear is this that I see within me right now?

Do I know fear? Yes, I do. One time, with three little kids in the house, I found bullets lying open in a friends bag – I knew the gun was there too. Or, having my baby at death’s doorstep for six weeks while in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. Just to name a few of the fearful times I’ve had. I know fear. Still, it’s nothing like this fear.

 Photograph by Yevgen Timashov at Thumbpress.com
Photograph by Yevgen Timashov at Thumbpress.com

In the words of Isaiah in Acts 28, “Got to this people and say, ‘You will indeed hear but never understand, and you will indeed see but never perceive.’ For this people’s heart has grown dull, and with their ears they can barely hear, and their eyes they have closed; lest they should see with their eyes and hear with their ears and understand with their heart and turn, and I would heal them.”

Dear God,
This is, and always has been, my greatest fear.
This is the fear that is in me right now.

I am so dense and so dull and so filled with sin.
How can You not turn Your back on me?
I do not do the things that I know that I must.
I do the things that I know would not please You.
How can I stop so that You would be pleased.
How can I be a child that You would be proud of?

The very best that I can do would only meet Your expectations.
Where am I to go? What am I to do?
Is there nothing within my power to make things right?

Even the best talker in the world makes bad statements.
Even the strongest person in the world cannot lift a mountain.
Even the loving person still hurts others by mistake.
Where does that leave me? I am none of those people.

Yet, there is one thing that I do have that You have asked for.
I hold one thing that burns within Your deepest desires.
A set of words easy to say, but impossible to mean.
A set of words that I will say with the best of my abilities.
A set of words that fall woefully short, but I know one thing.
With these words, You will teach me to mean them more.

Now I know what to say.
Yes, I make mistakes.
Yes, the penalty for my mistakes is great.
Yes, Jesus paid the price for my mistakes with His death.
Yes, I will follow you.
Yes, I will get to know you more and more each day.

My greatest fear is that You will turn Your back on me.
It is through this fear that I gain the strength to say “Yes”
It is through this fear that I slowly learn.

Now I see the love and logic of Your ways.
Now I see the joy in Your ways.
Now I see the amazing power of Hope.

Thank You for not turning Your back on me.
Thank You for not giving me what I deserve.
Thank you for allowing me to learn through my mistakes.

In the words of Isaiah in Acts 28, “Got to this people and say, ‘You will indeed hear but never understand, and you will indeed see but never perceive.’ For this people’s heart has grown dull, and with their ears they can barely hear, and their eyes they have closed; lest they should see with their eyes and hear with their ears and understand with their heart and turn, and I would heal them.”

Thank You that You are healing me.
Thank You most of all for giving me Your peace.

 Photograph by Yevgen Timashov at Thumbpress.com
Photograph by Yevgen Timashov at Thumbpress.com

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